


The Miracles of Nudity

by orphan_account, Raayner



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Other, Pure Crack, also noodles, and porn, mentions of nudity, or an essay by two authors who are bored and want to talk about escaping reality, so sorry for this, we are so sorry, yes we did know better but we did it anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:17:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raayner/pseuds/Raayner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wing-dang-doodle~ Go play with your noodle~!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Miracles of Nudity

Once there was a bar of soap. It was a lovely bar of soap, despite the fact that it was a brown-ish colour. It was a very special type of soap; it had been forged out of yak milk, which also attributed to its unfortunate shit-colouring. Everyone thought that the soap had it all, but it was very lonely... 

 

 

 

 

 

But seriously, who gives a fuck?

 

 

 

 

 

IT'S A BAR OF SOAP FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, back in the glorious world of the fucked-up authors’ minds, the end was near. No not the end of their sanity, hell, that was long gone. No, this was the end of the world. The very world we know of... well, at least the one the authors know of.

 

 

THAT IS NOT THE POINT. 

 

 

It seemed as if there was a single speck of hope left for this world, and that shiny and slightly blinding sliver of awesome happened to be porn.

 

Glorious, glorious porn.

 

The beauty of sweat and arousal and ooh la la~!

 

That was the only good thing in the dismal light of morning, afternoon, evening, and night.

 

Yes! All times of the day could be spent with porn.

 

Porn would never leave you, cheat on you, or harm you.

 

It is on this note that it should be mentioned that porn was the main cause of the decline in the authors sanity.

 

Sad, really.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

. . .

 

 

THE END OF THE WORLD IS WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE. LET'S NOT GET OFF-TRACK.

 

 

At the moment that the authors were at home (looking at porn of course) the world was imploding in a series of reality. 

 

Life-sucking, horrid, reality. 

 

And all forms of people were suffering; the nerds, the otakus, the weeaboos, and those creepy stalker guys who just sit at the back of McDonalds, nibbling on their chicken fingers in the corner..... just.... staring at you.... like you're about to spontaneously combust and leave a mass of chocolate in your wake (but let’s get real, no one is that fucking fantastic.)

 

But this crushing reality had been dominating all people ever since the beginning of existence...

 

Certainly, drugs and the Rocky Horror Picture Show helped, but it was only a temporary fix for those sad, sad, fat, sad, people of the world.

 

No, this world needed to know of the glories of porn, and it was up to the authors to reveal this glorious weapon to them.

 

But there were several problems with that... the authors could not leave their porn-infested homes, since then reality would know of their cunning plot and beat their sorry asses into the floor. No, the authors had to stay on their trusty laptops and/or internet connecting devices to stay far away from the clutches of their worst enemy. 

 

Our dear authors needed help, so they asked for the cooperation of Gamzee Motherfucking Makara.

 

 

 

That's right.

 

 

 

Him.

 

 

 

As soon as the beacon for help went out he slammed open the door, fell to the floor, and started cackling as sopor leaked out of his orifices.

 

"What's up, chuckle-fucks? WAIT. NO. That's not right. I meant - what's up motherfuckers?"

 

The authors paid him no attention as they could not tear their eyes away from the screen of their internet devices less they become stuck in reality's clutches.

 

The juggalo giggled, coughed up a wad of slime (or snot, not really sure it looks really similar...) and got on the spare laptop the authors kept around for guests.

 

The bright screen flashed in his eyes as he began to converse with the porn-addled reality-crushers.

 

The conversation went as followed:

 

TC: HeY mOtHeR fUcKeRs, WhAtS gOiN oN?

BB: Hello Gamzee! I'm glad you were able to help us with this reality problem.

TC: No PrObLeM :o)

BB: BITCH DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT USING CHUCKLE-FUCK AGAIN, THAT'S MY THING.

TC: ? :o(

BB: Dude, the world is being forced into facing reality and that's the thing bugging you the most?

BB: Hell yeah! I made it, I use it. Simple as that, really, the best reason to get pissed at someone else using it.

TC: ...

TC: WhAtS hApPeNiNg? 

BB: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention to you, our chumhandle's look the same because mine is bigBoobs and that other author's is bigButts.

BB: It's surprisingly accurate. *nods*

BB: Butt anyway, do you have any idea on how we can spread the word?

BB: Heh, you said butt.

BB: Yeah so?

BB: Butt is a funny word.

BB: .... it was a typo... AND it's in your chumhandle, how are you no over that you immature prick?

BB: Eeeyyyyyyyyy :(

TC: YeAh, I gOt A mOtHeRfUcKiNg IdEa

BB: Why did it take you so damn long?

BB: Because he was thinking you chuckle-fuck.

TC: So WhAt If We AlL jUsT tAkE OuR cLoThEs oFf AnD tHeN hAvE sOmE sOrT oF aDd OvEr OuR pRiVaTe PaRtS fOr PoRn? 

BB: YOU ARE A CHUCKLE-FUCKING GENIUS!

BB: I TOLD YOU THAT WAS MY THING, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT YOU THROUGH THE INTERWEBS FOR THAT.

BB: *INTERNET SLAP*

BB: FUCK

BB: But really, that is a good idea, but how are we going to do that without sucoming to reality?

BB: Easy! We can just take our phones with us!

BB: Sounds like a plan! Good work, Gam!

TC: HoNk! :o)

 

So, this trio of very.... very.... unlikely heroes proceeded to strip off all their clothing and place patches that had "Want to see more? Read the porn!" on there no-no parts. However, they ran out of  those rather quickly. Gamzee, being the nice gentle-troll he is, decided that he would forgo wearing the patches on his alien genitalia so that the two authors could cover their tits. 

 

Isn't that sweet? We though so too. 

 

When they were all prepared, they placed their phones in front of their faces (reading porn of course), counted to three, and simultaneously burst through the front door, frolicking merrily, and quite nakedly, through the streets of the poor, unsuspecting town. 

 

As they expected, they got quite a few stares, but what they didn't realize is that reading porn while completely naked was not the best idea if everyone you ever knew could see you... 

 

One word:

 

Gamzee.

 

That's right, the effects of porn had not gone unnoticed by the extraterrestrial's wing-dang-doodle, or that of his space muffin, both of which you remember were not covered.

 

The three paid no attention to this whatsoever, since that would surely mean a confrontation with reality itself, or perhaps one of it's minions. The minion named shame, specifically.

 

So frolicking they went, and frolicked they did.

 

Ass naked.

 

As it should be.

 

They were an unstoppable force of nudity, or so it seemed, that is, until THEY showed up.

 

The Amazonian Pygmies were a gang of the toughest, meanest, most reality-worshipping sons of bitches you ever did see. Although the majority of them only reached a decent 4'9", they could still kick some righteous ass.

 

And that is what they did.

 

They came out swinging fists, paper plates, small children (who were not harmed in the making of this crack), and an occasional icicle of milk.

 

The authors and Gamzee, however, did not notice this because they were not succumbing to reality. They did notice though when bigBoobs was knocked to the ground by one of the small children, who happened to be sucking contentedly on an icicle of milk. The unfortunate three began to aggressively type on their phones, needing desperately to find an answer for this overlooked detail in their plot.

 

BB: What happened bigBoobs!?

TC: YeAh SiS, wHaT's GoInG oN? YoU aIn'T wItH oUr PlUsH rUmPs AnYmOrEs.

BB: RUN YOU FOOLS.

BB: TELL US WHAT IS HAPPENING!

BB: The Reality, OH THE REALITY.

BB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TC: NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo! Do:

 

Reality converged on bigBoobs, the porn on the phone could no longer distract her from it.

 

She cried out in terror at the thought of existing.

 

She screamed when she saw the sky, the people all around her, just there, like it had always been.

 

The Amazonian Pygmies laughed at her fear.

 

"[#######################]" (we couldn't translate what they were saying as we too live outside of reality by use of the interwebs)

 

BigButts gritted her teeth, eyes locked on the phone and she left behind her brave, nakedy counterpart. 

 

She must complete the objective, with or without her big-boobed friend... and apparently Gamzee as well at this point, as he was now chasing a flower.

 

Yes.

 

Chasing a flower. 

 

What the hell are you? Some sort of reality sympathizer, you ass fuck?

 

I will burn down your house.

 

I swear to god.

 

I fucking will.

 

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK EVERYTHING, I'M COMING AFTER YOU IN ALL MY ASS-BUTT-NAKEDNESS YOU LITTLE SHIT, JUST STAY STILL, I'M GONNA BURST THROUGH YOUR CLOSET IN A SECOND, JUST STAY STILL.

 

**Author's Note:**

> We... We really don't know...
> 
>  
> 
> Apparently there really is a limit of how much tumblr you should do a day.


End file.
